{Sunday, August 20, 2006}

11 reasons for myself to hate myself / why i suck totally.
1) i slept only like half an hour on thursday/friday morning to rush some stupid chinese(which i totally hate) newpaper thing knowing that the next day im going to have a important and difficult maths test and that im going to stay back for cip/np till 630+
2)in the end, i still didnt hand in the newspaper thing on friday because i was too stupid and forgotlast minute realized that we had to gather at 2 when school ends at 2. and i couldnt find my newspaper last minute. so i couldnt finish pasting/decorating/blah the stupid thing despite all the help i had. i suck lah, even with so many people halping me, i still cant do it. and despite all the time i had during recess, i still didnt make full use of it to do it. i suck
3)i didnt even touch maths on thursday, so the maths test on friday proved that maths has to revised and practise and studied. the maths test was the worst i ever had and i barely want to talk about it. for the first bloody time there are easy questions that i fail to do. that i dont even know how to go around and tackle it. for the first time there was absolutly no extra time for me to even look through to see if i left out any questions. for the first time i declare and admit that i hate maths. and i have disappointed myself so much i feel sorry for myself and at the same time hate myself so much for letting myself down.
4)after maths test everyone was talking about it and i realized what a stupid idiot i am. im a total moronic human that think that i can get through a maths test set by ms rocky easily without any revision. i thought too highly of myself. i was too proud, too ignorant. and in the end i knew that if i had stayed any longer in that little room with all the people discussing all the maths issue, i would breakdown and cry like how paul will when his hair is all shaved, being a total coward and loser. so i had to cowardly retreat to the toilet with ultra nice peiwen that comfort me. what a pathetic little shit i am, needing a nice girl to comfort me after a maths test that i had confidence in, that i didnt study for.
5)the maths test had such a big impact on me. everyone was talking about it, in class, in np. and emily(or someone else?) had to remind me of the test when we are at the bus stop, just as i was forgetting about it. getting over it, getting ready for exciting 3hrs of cip at taka. the test seemed so difficult to me.just so bloody difficult to me, and yet, pretty easy to janice. what i bloody loser. i hate myslef. so i had to again retreat to a corner all by myself to shut myself out of all the maths discussion knowing that if i continued, i could probably bash someone up or something. and apparently i appeared very pathetic or someone that is dying or something. cause rachel and audrey started talking about me and had to gather everyone to remind us that if we're not feeling well, we can tell them. i know its because of me. im actually letting people get worried about me because im a loser and did not dare to live up to reality that i am indeed controlled by maths, by some operations and numbers.
6)i told grace to chill about maths. that maths is just - + / x , and that she should be the one controlling maths, not letting maths control her. in the end? she was so confident, so sure about the maths test, and im the one that needs chilling, the one that needs to learn how to control maths. im actually overtaken by maths, maths that is just - + / x. for the first time maths is evil(just like chem). for the first time i dislike maths, hate maths. and maths becomes my point of weakness. maybe LWW is evil, he is my KE XING. ever since he came about, my maths deproved :( oh shoots, see lah, im blaming my lousiness on someone else. on someone that teaches me things. what a loser i am. i have to stop blaming others. especially when its all my fault that i didnt study for it. failure lah me ):
7)i keep blaming my plight on others, keep saying nothing is my fault, its all about others. im perfect, others arent. everytime, its about him/her, nothing about me. i do everything right. its just that he/she blahblah. but none of it is true. im guilty, guilty of blaming others, guilty of blaming my brother. my brother so innocent now learn to guard himself against me. i keep blaming all the fights are caused by him when im the one that provoked him. im a bloody liar and dont want to admit it. im the loser im the selfish one, not my brother. im the one that never study for the test, not because LWW was a lousy and slow teacher. its my fault, and im sorry.
8)i didnt dare to even say excuse me to some strangers on orchard road at first despite all my experiences (UHEM) and i was such a loser i didnt sell 4 tix but 3. and we didnt even really did it, we had to resort to such a loser method. and i was the loser that suggested it. the freakling loser. even when i had such a nice partn like janice, i still showed the loser part of me. the racist/biased side of me. and i influenced her, from the innocent to the evil. just like how i transform my brother
9)i self-pity so very often and moodswing so much and talk to others about my plight, expecting people to pity me. i admit it. i know, its such a loser thing. and i hate myslef for that. seeking pity? omg, that is actually me. wth. and i moodswing so much and i blame it on others, again. i get angry so very often and kill and scold and shout at people because of my moodswings. and my poor victims have to accept and silently absorb all my shouting because im moodswinging. like regina, im sorry alright. maybe you should just keep away from me. jtc .. the sec ones. im freagling biased. and i know i shouldnt have shouted at youre until like that. im sorry, even if you deserved something, it wasnt that loudy shouting and all that. people have to suffer because of my loser-ness. damnit.
10)while yuqing is loving maths more. im hating maths more. and actually liking chinese more (jianbao was quite fun lah). im actually liking a subject that i cannot achieve in more and hating the subject that is my only hope. the subject that will actually score for me. damnit.
11)i talk about all these telling myself i have to change. telling myself i should stop moodswinging, i should start to pioritise, that i should stop blaming others, stop thinking highly of myself, learn to be humble. learn not to lie, not to set my brother up. i know i should achieve all these. but the fact remains that i cannot do it. i know i have to do it, i tell myself to do it, only knowing that i wont change. i will remain as the loser that i am. i guess my parents are right. i will never learn. i will never change. and remain the loser that i am.


the loser within me. so this is the real me.

even EPL fail to cheer me up.
liverpool was a disappointment. and i hate the stupid biased coach (like me) that refused to play crouch when it was so clear that the team needed crouch.
and liverpool was playing just like england. only goal from a penalty kick.
although arsenal was disappointing, they were much better.
at least their goal was real, was worthy.
and i just realised how walcott rocks, he is seriously good.
now i understand why eriksson brought him to germany.
but still, why didnt he play walcott?

cip was okay lah (:
on friday.
some people were so obviously flirting with ___
weirdos
then it was highly amusing to see ____ chasing shannen around (:
and not forgetting the painful expression on her face ;D

yst swimming. the routine again ;)
enjoying lah, no need dan ba, no need whatever shit.

my brother just return from swimming selection.
i actually wanted to go .. just for entertainment.
but i remembered his bronze test and know i cannot go.
it will turn out as a total disaster.

where is the me that i want? when can i take off this mask

[[12:03 PM;



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